Boovie & Film

Lens on Resident Evil

“There is always a likable fun side to every keen movie lover, and every keen movie lover knows there’s a dangerously dark side to them. Whilst the fun side tries to keep you afloat, the latter will suck you into a black hole of criticism.”

- Chilis -

Chilistaleline brings you a critical look at the selected movie, which Chilis had since been itching to see with crossed fingers  and bated breath. Did Resident Evil: Retribution make an impression, or did it disappoint   ???

Let’s take a look at it for what I expected and for how it came to me on the Big Screen, (and pretty much for what it is) shall we...

Resident Evil: Retribution

So I waited a whole year (2011), the hype had buzzed so loud in my head it made the wait seem like a decade. The movie is finally here...

As I’m standing right in front of the ticket counter at the Cinema, staring up at the monitors on the wall behind the ticket lady — the trailer is playing — and almost as if by a strange kind of sixth sense, I suddenly feel a sharp pang of dread the moment I get the ticket. And the ticket lady’s voice echoes across the silence in my head, “Enjoy the movie!’ and she had an assuring smile. Boy, did I later discover she’s a well-trained sales lady.

There were NOT too many people in the cine; in fact, I was able to spot just about seven faces... if there were any others, they must have been dark as night and had blended perfectly with the darkness in the back most seats (no offense intended). On an ordinary day, that is. Whether or not this influenced my judgment later on is not for me to say.

“Put your 3D glasses on...” and the rest was a revolting ride on a G-force simulation machine (it’s like a high-powered merry-go-round). If I were allowed to SCREAM and sink in my seat and burrow into the concrete, that would have made my day. Getting a mile (about a quarter) into the 96 minutes of the film, butterflies churned in my tummy, and I felt like puking on the head of the lovely brunette seated in front of me. I’m not sure how long it took for me to get the vibe, but I eventually found myself feeling as if I were playing a video game... correction, ‘watching KIDS play a video game’. I am a relatively big fan of gaming (check here on My Facebook to verify), but I was in a cinema... a PS3 isn’t exactly the first item that pops in mind the moment I hear "cinema   !!"

I went out to see a MOVIE and hoped to be as amazed as I was with the first Resident Evil back in 2002. More amazed... for crying out loud !!

I’m nearly a terrific fan of Milica Natasha Jovovich:

Yet I wouldn’t quite rush to chop an arm for her... there’s other people in that special place, and it’d be out of context to mention them here and now.  I fell in love with her (so you know it’s not really personal, no pun whatsoever) the moment I saw her in The Fifth Element, acting alongside all-time favorite Bruce Willis. I thought she was good, and she is, to say the least. But whatever happened, and whether it’s her husband, Paul Anderson, to blame for unveiling such a travesty of the satisfaction that a film should provide, such an extreme violation of the fidelity expected in a series, that’s the mystery here.

I, for one, don’t think Milla had anything to do with the “dry joke” (dry as oats in a box) I was subjected to for over one lousy hour and thirty minutes, no... The script had some of the most excruciating dialogue boxes I have ever experienced in cinema history (oh, wait, Anderson wrote that !!). I'm left clueless as to how it all boiled down to an equivalent of:

Rain: ‘You will die!’ she tosses a snotty smirk at Alice.

Alice: ‘No, I won’t,’ she says, all serious and stuff.  ‘You will. I will feed you to the zombies beneath this thin layer of ice that we’re currently standing on. Of course, that’s right after you thrust a punch into my rib cage and cause an irregular heartbeat. But, I’ll win — I’m the starring.’

Rain: ‘Oh yeah?’

It was terrible. I just have to say this. Then, there was that awful scene with the twin monsters. To me, they were NOT terrifying... the sense of urgency that I saw in the first installment just wasn’t there in Retribution. I wasn’t frightened for Alice. Perhaps the knowing that that was a mere simulation may have affected my lethargic (or, indeed, non-existent) spikes of adrenaline. All the same, believability wasn’t there either. There was so much pointless drama, peppered with naive conversation and impossibly lackluster lines.

The RED QUEEN, and her red face and annoying voice... GOSH, who farted   ??? Knock me over Penguins of Madagascar shove me in a brown paper bag puke my lungs out toothless night fury !!

Sienna Guillory: 

Ever radiant, until the killjoy script ruined it for her. I mustn’t deny she looked sleek and stunning... the costumes were “tight”... the fight sequences, a little more than just good. But, as the situation stands, the movie, all in all, simply Van-Helsing-vampire-sucked the fun out of her.

I shuddered when the hint at the next installment dropped in at the finish, which apparently might be ready in 2015. And the image of the White House... Patriotic !! Go figure !! (No, not really). Rather convenient for me.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, and I seriously wouldn’t want the apparent slight tinge of bias to eat away the polemic of this review, but as remedy, may I now give a decent dose of open-mindedness. The start was pretty exciting, with all the slow... like really slow... slo-mo and whatnot.

Seeing Wentworth Miller, even if for just a trice, had me excited. He’s undeniably one of my favorites. Michelle Rodriguez did a great job, seeing as she played two roles.

Whereas the rest of it was dry (and, yes, despite three quarters of it being soaked underwater, still remained Sahara dry), the little deaf girl was a fine sentiment that moistened it. The mother-daughter relationship was fairly moving (such tenacity), all the way to the end, except when we don’t see the little deaf girl again after the truck overturns. Or do we??? Can’t remember. The 3D effects were thrilling and spine-tingling. Having seen the film at my favorite cinema, with close-to-perfect air-conditioning, good Dolby Surround Sound and High Definition picture, comfy seats, box of Smarties in hand while sipping at frozen yogurt, I couldn’t ask for more!!

On a scale of 1 to 10, I officially award R.E: Retribution with 4 stars (out of ten... okay, that’s a lot). On merit of the brilliant CGI, the weapons (which were seriously cool), and that tiny bit of a panicky move, on the part of the director, bringing back the fallen characters from the preceding installments, I give it... mgh-mm, well... 0.5 (and that’s just for good measure... sort of throwing it a bone). So that amounts to 4.5. I’m done.

Disclaimer note: This review is nothing but a matter of opinion, which the author is entitled to (we can all agree on that), and must therefore be used for educational purposes only as opposed to being taken personally. Any harm inflicted, physical (most likely) or otherwise, as a result of reading (or so much as glimpsing) this article, is totally coincidental and unintended by the author.

For those who have read the above article but haven’t actually seen the movie yet, simply visit YouTube HERE to check out the official trailer, and make your way to Amazon.com HERE to purchase a Blu-ray DVD for your own collection.

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